If you’re a Duck fan, a free piece of history can be yours this coming Saturday.  Just show up at 5001 Franklin Blvd in Glenwood, between Eugene and Springfield, from noon to 4pm.  Small pieces (up to 2’x2′) of the old Autzen Stadium turf will be given away–free!!  The field was torn up, and the ‘crown’ at mid-field is being removed.  New turf with a new Pac-10 logo should be on the now-flat stadium floor by mid-July.

Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley has joined Chuck Schumer, Olympia Snowe, Barbara Boxer, Christopher Dodd, and new Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown in going after lenders and mortgage brokers who receive hidden payments for steering home buyers to certain loan originators.  Their ammendment to the Wall Street regulation bill would also require that lenders make sure that borrowers have the ability to pay back their loans.  Critics say it was Congress that urged lenders to loosen loan standards in the early 2000’s.

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

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COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq … Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a government building is this –you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of politicians …. it creates a hostile work environment.

The Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife is considering whether to make hunters wear orange.  A staff spokesman says there have been 20 hunter deaths in the last 20 years caused by poor visibility–odds that might be improved by making everyone wear orange.  But, he says many hunters don’t like being told what to wear.  More information is at the ODFW website….just Google ODFW.

A lucky Salem man survived a 300-foot dive in his SUV from snowy, icy Highway 20 Near Santiam Pass yesterday.  Troopers say Peter Chamberlain’s GMC Yukon crashed through the guardrail and slid down a ravine the day before his 51st birthday.  Another motorist saw the accident, notified OSP, and got down to him to stabilize him while paramedics were enroute.  He received only non-life threatening injuries, which is a good thing–because Deschutes county rescuers took three hours to get him out of the rig and up to the roadway.

Hollywood Video has hit the ‘erase’ button.  The chain of video and game rental stores is closing.  The parent company says video rental stores are no longer profitable.  Industry analysts say Blockbuster may be next.  Hollywood Video still hopes to emerge from Chapter 11 bankrupcy with a new business model.

The city of Newberg may kill busy beavers that are damming up a creek on the edge of town.  Public works people say the dams have plugged up a culvert, which could erode, and eventually collapse a nearby road.  Some area teens have started a petition drive against the town’s plan to trap the beavers underwater, which would drown them.  The dilemma has been given to the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife.

To all the Parents and Grandparents out there !!!!

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of “tea” which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “Just the cutest thing!”

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?”

THE END (I hear you laughing!)

The State Police Bomb Squad was called to the new Lebanon Justice Center this morning (Tues), to investigate a suspicious package left in a carry bag.  The bag was noticed by an employee arriving for work early this morning.  Police evacuated the building and some of the surrounding area.  The bag was blasted with water to render it safe…it turned out to contain funeral ashes.  Video surveillance shows a woman leaving the bag in the building at about 5:15 PM last night.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

University of Oregon President Richard Lariviere wouldn’t say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, as to whether the university’s general counsel is being forced out over the Bellotti mess.  Melinda Grier has been reassigned to teach at the las school at her present salary of almost $185,000 a year, but she won’t be re-hired in 2011.  She has worked in the U of O administration since 1977.  She was responsible for giving the university legal advice, and presumedly failed in that regard when Mike Bellotti was allowed to move from coach to Athletic Director with a verbal contract only.  The situation led to a 2.3 million dollar payout to Bellotti when he left to join ESPN television.

It’s no sci-fi movie.  There is a killer fungus that’s been identified and studied at Duke University.  All 21 cases  broke out in the Northwest.  The fungus is called ‘cryptococcus gattii’, and 6 out of those 21 cases ended in death.  Researchers say the new fungus attacks otherwise healthy people, as opposed to most fungi which attack those with weak immune systems.  The disease has also attacked dozens of Northwest dogs and cats.  Health care professionals have been notified to be on the alert.

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

(more…)

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

(more…)

Years ago when I sometimes used unsavory language, I often used the expression “Bull S***.” As I grew up a bit and discovered it was not necessary to use such crude language, that expression became “BS.”

What did I really mean when I used those expressions? I meant that something was ridiculous, or idiotic or a half truth or just stupid. It covered any number of negative formats. The dictionary defines it as: nonsense; especially: foolish insolent talk.

I have decided that I no longer will use either of those expressions in the future. When I have a need to express such feelings, I will use the word “Pelosi.” Let me use it in a sentence. “That’s just a bunch of Pelosi..” I encourage you to do the same. It is such a nasty sounding word, it really packs a punch, we are no longer being vulgar, and it clearly expresses our feelings. If enough of us use it, perhaps the word could be entered into the dictionary. When on a ranch watch your step and don’t step in Pelosi. It will get on the bottom of your boot and won’t go away until next election.

What a fitting and descriptive legacy for the Speaker of the House!

P.S. Betcha when this new word reaches D.C., the PELOSI WILL HIT THE FAN!

The FISHERMAN

A fisherman was stopped by a game warden in Alabama recently with two ice
chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch those fish?’
‘Naw, sir’, replied the fisherman. ‘I ain’t got none of them there licenses..,
these here are my pet fish.’

‘Pet fish?’ said the Warden.